Monday, 27 February 2017 00:00

Loves me not?

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An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds,
for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.
Harold Lokes

A client and I were talking about unrequited love during a coaching session. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, or stops loving you, is incredibly painful. It’s one thing to experience in your youth, but later in life, when it involves divorce, children, and splitting shared assets, it becomes much more complicated.

For most of us, rejection is the most painful experience to go through and the fear of rejection can be crippling. In one of those startling, ‘coaching-sessions-mimics-real-life scenarios’, two days before this discussion, I had experienced a vivid reminder of just how painful rejection can be.

Having recently reconnected, on Facebook, with a few people I had lost touch with more than twenty years ago, I was happily mulling over the rich tapestry of life. I was thinking how although people come and go, their impact remains a part of the very fabric of who we are.

In this frame of mind, I thought nothing of sending a friend request to a long lost ex-boyfriend. He had re-appeared quite out the blue as a friend of a friend when we both commented on a post. You can meet him here: Mr Gorgeous! If the truth be told, I thought nothing of sending it ... until  the moment I hit the the send button.

One minute I was smiling at wonderful memories, the next I was felled by a twenty-five year old wave of insecurity and shame. Time means nothing to fear. Fearful emotions can be experiencing as intensely, in the present moment, as they were felt in the past when the original painful or scary event happened.  In an instant I was thrown back to how I felt as a young woman facing her first heartbreak.

It’s at times like this that that we need to remember we are more than just emotional beings. We have to dig deep and call on our intelligence to bring balance. I’m here to remind you we can! With practice, we CAN channel our thoughts in a more helpful direction.

Reality checking is a good place to start, especially when fear is raging. Am I in danger? Has something actually happened? Breathing deeply with awareness calms our nervous systems and gives us a chance to pause and re-adjust. Sometime all we need to remember is that this feeling too shall pass and I will still be here when it does.

Love is about connection, it’s what drives human behaviour and what makes the experience of rejection so unbearable. Having a compassionate connection to ourselves in times of panic or rejection helps us keep our balance.

We do not have to abandon nor turn on ourselves just because someone else may have. Whether we are loved back or not, we CAN love, because it’s who we are. How empowering is that!

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Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching

I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.

Read more about me here.

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Comments  

# Cameron 2017-05-05 19:23
Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you penning this post and the rest of the site is
very good.

My web page: manicure: http://nimeregbi.mihanblog.com/post/18
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# behgopa 2017-03-24 23:18
Love is such a powerful feeling. It can put you on cloud nine one minute and destroy you the next.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-25 10:48
Oh my word, that it is exactly it! And the worst is it doesn't even have to be a single word, even a glance can do it.
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# Abhishek 2017-03-18 08:41
It is true..Self love is more important,
To give love to others you need to love and respect yourself .
Love is best Therapy
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-18 08:50
Well put! Love is the best therapy.
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# Cassidys Adventures 2017-03-08 22:27
This was another beautifully written post! I'm glad I found it! Love does truly have power to unite people. I haven't experienced divorce, and hopefully I never have to.
Beautifully written!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-09 12:03
Thanks so much Cassidy! I also haven't gone through a divorce and hope I never have to.
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# Dreammerin 2017-03-08 10:27
Just an another amazing post! Very interesting read! Sending a lot of positive vibes!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-09 12:02
Bless you and thank you Dreammerin, you have made my day!
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# Rose Sahetapy 2017-03-02 23:59
Beautifully written! It's very true that love is about connection. Love connects every heart regardless what happen in the past.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-07 07:25
Thanks Rose, and love does have so much power, in such a good way.
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# Sabine 2017-03-02 00:35
I actually just wrote a post about loving yourself and it's so important! To give love to others you need to love and respect yourself ❤

Sabine.
Www.sofarsosabine.com
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-07 07:25
So true, Sabine! It's hard to recognize love if we don't know it from our own experience.
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# Jules 2017-03-01 19:14
It took me awhile to understand that while it's acceptable to be emotional, we shouldn't let it dictate our life. Mourn the loses, learn from the experience however painful and move on since we have other things to look forward to. Time heals all wound as they say.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-07 07:24
Time is sometimes the only thing that eases the pain. Such a good point, Jules, when we allow it to dictate our life, we run into trouble.
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# sudeepta pradhan 2017-03-01 08:40
Ah unrequited love can be one of the most painful emotions, yet I feel that we all have to invest in self love. If one loves oneself it acts as an comforting blankets that can protect one. Great post
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-01 10:07
Beautifully put, a comforting blanket! That's exactly it, we are hurt and need comfort.
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# Kusum 2017-03-01 07:03
Totally agree! Self love is more important, you cannot expect others to love you if you do not love yourself! And there is always so much love in us to give to others.

xx, Kusum | www.sveeteskapes.com
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-01 10:05
Anything that is other than self hate, gets a thumbs up from me.We make things so much worse when we turn on ourselves.
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# Elizabeth O. 2017-03-01 04:13
Very well said. Love is tough battle to be on especially when you're fighting on your own. It's never easy to deal with rejection or loss when it comes to love but we never give up on it. We find ourselves energized to love again after a while.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-01 06:18
That's the thing about love, it has a way of making us stronger than we think. My opinion here, but I think it is so worth risking the pain!
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# Kimberly C. 2017-03-01 02:48
Wow those first sentences really said it all...Once you're married with kids, falling out of love or not being loved back has a completely different effect. Nice post. Makes you think.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-01 06:16
Interesting point, Kimberly. Not having kids, I'll take your word for it, but I imagine kids change pretty much everything about a marriage.
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# Ana De- Jesus 2017-02-28 20:47
It is true. Love is about connection and over time sometimes that connection just seems to go. Unrequited love can be challenging but it is all part of life x
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-01 06:13
It is, isn't it Anna! As long as we don;t stop loving because of it, I think we're doing okay.
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# sajad ahmad 2017-02-28 15:37
You are right after divorce everything seems to be different than it was before divorce but love precious
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-03-01 06:12
Divorce is a tough one. Everyone I know who has gone through it agrees that it is harder than they expected, no matter their reasons for doing it.
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