Thursday, 15 June 2017 17:30

I Hate You...

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When we stop hating ourselves, we will stop hating others.
Marty Rubin

You idiot! What’s wrong with you? Can’t you do anything right? How many of you have used those, or similar words, to berate yourself for a mistake you've made? Maybe you misjudged a situation, or risked vulnerability, and things didn’t work out as you hoped and now, you can’t believe how stupid you were.

One of the homework exercises we do in coaching sessions is when I ask a client to sit quietly and think about something that went wrong, and then write down what they say to themselves. Oh my word, some of the things I’ve heard are enough to make my hair curl!

It’s a valuable exercise to do. This way of thinking is so automatic that we often have no idea what we actually say to ourselves. Writing it down is one thing, but I assure you, reading those words out loud to someone else, is even more eye-opening.

To cut a long story short, basically guys, this negative self talk has got to stop! Not only is it not helping you, it’s harmful.

We’re going to digress for a moment to talk about Navy Seals. We don’t have them in South Africa, but oh my, yes please! What is it about a Navy Seal that fulfils every romantic ideal I’ve ever had of the perfect man. Right, back to business... According to Eric Barker in his book, Barking up the Wrong Tree, an essential skill potential Seals have to develop in BUD (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL training) is positive self-talk.

Now, all I’m saying, is that if it’s good enough for Navy Seals, it sure is good enough for me! You can read more of the very interesting article here.

One thing we need to be aware of is that negative self-talk is often a symptom of a deeper underlying issue of self hatred. We call it by many names, self-doubt, shame, guilt but until we tackle the very painful issue of self-hatred, it will be hard to free ourselves from this destructive pattern of negative self talk.

Whether negative self talk happens automatically inside you or is triggered by criticism (launched at you from the place of self hatred inside someone else), the antidote remains the same. Cultivate an attitude of warmth and friendliness towards yourself. All of you, the wounded and the wonderful.

Self-awareness, self-acceptance and training to support and encourage ourselves when we face difficulties is the direction to head in. Take heart knowing that it is possible and yes, even you can learn to speak more kindly and gently to your precious self.

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Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching

I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.

Read more about me here.

Comments  

# Jade Braham 2017-07-07 13:56
I'm guilty of negative talk! but this is a great post to make those like myself realise that it has to stop! Thanks for sharing!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-07-10 08:50
Thanks for the feedback Jade and good luck with the stopping. It's worth the effort!
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# Shawna 2017-06-29 23:20
What a great post. That slump is so easy to slide into. I am horrible at negative self-talk and really am working on that. Great post!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-30 08:02
Thanks so much, Shawna. Yep, it is something far too many of us have trouble with.
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# Our Family World 2017-06-20 12:12
Thanks for this post, Tania. I have been in a situation recently that made me go into a downward slump. I felt so lowly of myself. It is a blessing that my husband always helps me snap out of it. I have to learn how to turn my back on negative people.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 12:45
It is so easy to fall into that slump and so very hard to get out of it. I'm glad to hear your husband is a help to you, you are very fortunate. It is something that is worth trying to get the hang of, kind of like freeing yourself from sticky tar. The more you learn to avoid even going there, the better. The good news is, it can be learned.
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# Angela Milnes 2017-06-20 11:14
I really love your post and I agree with you negative talking was Isn't helpful. Self love was the most important.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 12:01
Thanks Angela. I have found I am so much stronger when I am encouraging instead of berating myself.
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# ohmummymia 2017-06-19 22:13
Lovely post and you are so right. Self-awareness, self-acceptance are so important nowadays
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 12:00
Especially with the world being so topsy turvy at the moment. It is really hard to keep your balance with all the crazy, awful stuff going on.
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# Louise x 2017-06-19 20:39
I'm SO guilty of this. I berate myself using the word 'idiot' on an almost daily basis. I'm sure my kids will have overheard me as well, which is really quite worrying :(

Louise x
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 11:57
Wow, Louise, thinking of your kids hearing it does give a powerful perspective. Even more motivation to change!
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# diidy 2017-06-19 17:39
Great post and you are so right.
Negative self talking isn't helpful, not at all.
We should try to think positive.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 11:59
I absolutely agree, it is something so worthwhile training yourself to do and be!
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# ShaBree 2017-06-19 01:28
Self love is so important. When you love yourself, it's easy to love others.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 11:56
Bautifully put, ShaBree. If we don't have it, we can't give it!
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# Helen 2017-06-18 23:53
You are so right! Negative thinking is so damaging to mental health, it's so easy to slip in to and a hard habit to break too.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 11:55
The scary think is also how damaging it is to our physical and emotional well being as well.The impact can be huge.
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# Gillian 2017-06-18 20:46
You have hit the nail in the head Girl!
I wonder how many people have robbed themselves of their full potential by hating themselves
Thanks for helping to turn that around x
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 11:53
Such a shocking thought! So often, we really are our own worst enemy.
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# Jess 2017-06-18 19:32
Positive Self Talk is so vital, and it's something so easily forgotten. Well at least I forget it often. My husband tries to remind me all the time to be kinder to myself, but sometimes it is just difficult to take that moment to pause and reconsider your own thoughts.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-20 11:52
What I find Jess, is that when I am caught in that negative cycle, it is hard to even remember that I can reconsider those thoughs. They are so overpowering that just remembering we can change our thinking is a huge step in the right direction.
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# Ali Rost 2017-06-18 07:49
Great post, and you're so right. My intention for 2017 has been to treat myself with the same kindness that I would show to a friend.I can't even tell you what a difference it's made. It began with the tape recorder in my head. I tell you what, the first few months I was constantly stopping myself because I was being negative or mean-spirited. It's getting a little better, but still something I'm mindful about. x
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-18 10:10
What a wonderful intention for the year, Ali.It is so good to hear that you have made some progress with it. Well done,you! In my own life, I have been surprised at quite how hard it is to be kinder to myself.
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# Nina 2017-06-18 03:31
They always say that we are our own worst critic. I can be guilty of this for sure. I definitely try to practice not beating myself up over things that go wrong and remembering that they do not define me.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-18 10:08
Good for you, Nina, that is a wonderful and very powerful habit to have!
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# Made Adayasa 2017-06-18 02:32
Thank you for sharing a very wise advise .sometimes I did that and I realize that negative self talk will only bring me a negative energy . But sometimes it's just come out from my mouth .
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-18 10:07
It's shockingly automatic for most of us and it can take a lot of effort to break the habit. Worth it though!
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# Needa 2017-06-18 01:25
Very motivating Post !! Stop negative Talk !! I do with my son !! but i know i am wrong and need to work on it !!Thanks for this share
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-07-10 08:51
Hi Needa, yeah it is such an easy one to do and yet takes a lot of effort to stop.
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# Michelle Paige 2017-06-17 19:35
I really like the idea of not only writing down, but saying it out loud to another person. I feel like when you say something out loud, it feels a lot more real.

Michelle | She's Not So Basic
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-18 10:05
It really does make have a powerful effect when we say it out loud. We are so used to tlaking like that and it sounds almost acceptable in our heads, but out loud? Oh man, what a change in perspective.
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# Newestintown 2017-06-17 17:29
What an amazing post! It's true that we need to start taking care of ourselves and be the firsts to encourage and positive self talk. If we dont do it for us who will, right?
xx
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-18 10:03
Exactly! The good news is, we are doing and we can stop doing it.
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# Rachel 2017-06-17 12:08
I always say to my eldest kids to stop being so negative, its something we talk about at home. Great advice so thanks for sharing!!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-17 13:20
Sadly, it is something that we do from a young age and it can be a hard habit to break.
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# Sona Sethi 2017-06-17 11:34
self affirmation of ones capabilities is very important right from the childhood so you build the self confidence to face this nasty world. cant agree less.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-17 13:26
This kind of thinking often does start way back in childhood. I love the way you put it, we really do need to build confidence to face the nasty side of life. And there are some pretty nasty things that come with this crazy life we lead!
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# Sajad 2017-06-17 11:31
It's really hard to face some difficult problems but being positive hhelps a lot
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-17 13:26
It does, Sajad, if we can just remember to do it!
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# Sondra 2017-06-17 06:04
Negative self-talk is something we should always try and not do. We have to be positive about ourselves along with others.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-17 13:24
Absolutely Sondra, It weakens us and breaking that habit is so strengthening, especailly when you are facing hard times.
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# heidi 2017-06-17 06:00
I definitely can relate to what that kind of emotional battering does because we definitely start to feel worthless and it is hard after that to not beat yourself up constantly. Since I have mild anxiety I learned to write down negative thoughts and solutions.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-17 13:23
I'm glad to hear you have found something that works for you Heid, and thanks for sharing it. Writing it down is a good way to break the cycle and bring a more balanced view.
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# Vlad 2017-06-16 22:07
So freakin' true! The negative self-talk is definitely a deeper issue we have.. I know a saying -- you give what you have.. so you give hate if you have hate in your soul.. Basically. Hope it makes sense xx it does in my head
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-17 13:21
It makes perfect sense, Vlad and yep, that sums up the essential trap of the problem!
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# Pat 2017-06-16 19:12
I didn't know that seals need to learn the skill of positive self-talk! Maybe because they like themselves the way they are is why they so attractive to women?
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-16 20:24
What a brilliant thought, Pat. There really is something so attractive about a confident, resourceful, capable person who is in control of themselves and their emotions. I aspire to that!
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# Jacqueline 2017-06-16 17:47
What a great post Tania! I can't find fault with anything in this post. I find often enough people seem to hear this in childhood from their parents who are perpetuating a cycle of self hatred. It's taught so well that people easily do it to themselves. It really isn't a normal state of being. The normal state of being is to thrive.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-06-16 20:27
Beautifully put Jacqueline. I love the word thrive! In my life experience, I thrive when I feel loved and loving and crumble in the face of anger and hatred. And still we do it...
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