Wednesday, 26 July 2017 08:25

Falling in Love!

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Sometimes you break your heart in the right way, if you know what I mean.
Gregory David Roberts

A few weeks ago, as girls do when you leave them alone together, a very dear friend and I got chatting about love and marriage. The conversation, ...  erm,  deteriorated and the next thing, we were shrieking with laughter figuring that with all the affairs going on in the world, it’s only fair that we at least get an offer or two. Of course, we planned to refuse, it’s just the being wanted we were after!

Affairs truly are no laughing matter. With divorce rates sky high, we can probably all agree that marriage is tough and brings many challenges with it. Fidelity being one. As anyone who has experienced infidelity will know, it’s incredibly painful to be cheated on. And yet it happens. A lot.

For most of us, there is something very enticing about the surge of emotions physical attraction calls forth in us. That ‘something special’ can be very hard to resist, and the urge to dive right in and indulge can be overwhelming.

It reminds me of an article I came across years ago when I worked for Hospice. It's titled, ‘Loving with an Open Hand,’ and is particularly relevant to Hospice and they work they do with death and dying. It’s about learning to love without clinging and holding on to what you love. After years of attempting it, I have to say, it’s no small undertaking.

So how do we do it? Is it even possible to love without holding on? For guidance, let’s turn to Buddhists; experts in understanding the truth of suffering and the way to happiness. Buddhists believe that one of the root causes of suffering is attachment or desire. We see something, we want it and we usually want it now. Pretty much falling in love, in a nutshell! Buddhists suggest we examine whether the things we ‘think’ will make us happy, actually ‘do’. Make us happy, that is.

They are also incredibly optimistic about human nature. Buddhists believe that, fundamentally, at our core, we are inherently good. This means that something that brings us happiness but causes harm to others, may gratify us in the moment, but cannot, and will not, lead to long term happiness.

It’s food for thought and certainly useful in helping us pause for a moment before launching ourselves into the romantic fray. Resisting temptation is difficult. As hard as it may be, there is a lot to be said for learning to love with an open hand. It’s kind of like Gregory David Roberts says above, it’s breaking our heart, in the right way!

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Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching

I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.

Read more about me here.

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Comments  

# LAura H 2017-08-04 07:57
Personally I find cheating despicable and inexcusable in 99% of cases. Even if you're the one being treated badly I always think you should break up before you even consider cheating.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-04 08:40
That is by far the honourable thing to do, Laura, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be the way of the world these days.
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# Brian 2017-08-03 14:11
"Temptation" is a Slayer song. "Falling in Love is Hard on the Knees" is an Aerosmith song!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-04 08:32
Never mind one song, two songs from Brian! Love it, it's been a while.
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# Ellie Chan 2017-08-03 06:47
I waited until I was 23 to find my first Boyfriend and he's now my Husband, falling in love is incredible and painful and I thought I liked someone else when my Husband came in to my life, then I realized that he was the one and never let that go! Love just happens.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-03 12:19
I love this Ellie! He sounds like a real keeper and I hope your happiness grows and grows.
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# Besties Notepad 2017-08-03 04:18
"Love like there is no tomorrow; if tomorrow comes, love again" - Max Lucado

You can be in love with anything around; your spouse, your kids, your friend..be happy that you have someone to love to and be loved too :)
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-03 12:18
Yes! What she said!
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# Via Bella 2017-08-03 00:22
This is great food for thought. As someone who has gone through separation, sometimes it has to happen.
~ http://viabella-thebeautifullife.blogspot.com/
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-03 12:17
Sometimes loving with an open hands means letting go of something that is very hard to let go of. It's not an easy expereince to go through.
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# David Elliott 2017-08-02 18:40
I can see where you are coming from here on the Buddhist view of life. But I am not sure that it works entirely. Because in avoidance of attachment we deal with our spouse as the ultimate attachment. Sure other attachments our fleeting. But is the ultimate harm because of our temporary attachment to another or to the ultimate attachment to a spouse.

What I do agree with is that marriage is hard. And fidelity is hard because we always have wandering eyes, coveting that which we do not have. The key to happiness is finding joy in what you already have in your life. Once you have that you will be far happier in a marriage and far happier in life.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-02 19:54
What a thought provoking reply, David! The ultimate attachment to our spouse, I hadn't actually thought of it in that way but it's so true. I love how you worded it, finding joy in what we already have. Yes!
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# Elena 2017-08-02 18:15
I am in my early 30s and I still get confused when it comes to love :)
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-02 19:48
Lol, In in my 40's and it still does my head in at times!
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# Charmaine 2017-08-01 16:22
That's what we called unconditional love. Loving a person and hoping to have it worked for both of you.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:51
Unconditional love! The holy grail of my life and something I so want to achieve in this lifetime.
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# Ana De- Jesus 2017-08-01 12:45
I agree that resisting temptation can be difficult but I have never once cheated although I have been cheated on many times. I think that learning to let go of love can be difficult but then again what do I know I have never been in love. Definitely food for thought x
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:50
That is a wonderful quality, Ana, to have never cheated, even when cheated on. I suspect there would be a lot less cheating going on in the world if we were better at resisting temptation.
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# Ana De- Jesus 2017-08-03 13:49
I think you are right. I believe what the issue is that humans want what they can't have, so if cheating with another person becomes the 'emblem' of the forbidden fruit they are going to want it more. Its like telling a kid they can't eat chocolate.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-04 08:42
So pot on, Ana. I'm a sucker for reverse psychology at the best of times and it's a real weakness.
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# Jeenu Pillai 2017-08-01 12:00
Love keeps me going. I cannot imagine a single day without love. It is not just about just falling in love, it is about keeping it alive.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:46
Beautifully said, Jeenu. You are so right, keeping love alive is so very important.
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# Rhian Westbury 2017-08-01 11:16
Really interesting, I think a lot of people aren't really sure about feelings of love until they meet someone truly special. I know I've never truly felt love before I met my current partner x
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:45
How wonderful for you! There is something about meeting that person and just knowing that is so precious, you are very fortunate.
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# Ania Travels 2017-08-01 10:40
It's funny how many times I thought I was in love when actually I was just in deep lust. Love is so important to me and I do hope to meet someone special one day.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:44
I would love to hear how you knew the difference! It's often hard to tell one from the other. Fingers crossed that special someone is waiting just around the corner for you.
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# Kim 2017-08-01 08:01
When I look back at all the times I thought I was in love it makes me laugh. Since meeting my other half I realize how easy it is to mistake feelings of love.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:40
That is too true, Kim! Love is one emotion that is easily confused with some other not quite so lasting ones!
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# laura dove 2017-07-31 17:28
This is really interesting but its not a concept I can really understand. For me it is impossible to let go of love, even in death.
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:36
I think many of us struggle with that, Laura, especially in death. It can be a very painful process learning to live without a particular person's love.
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# Amalia 2017-07-31 16:47
I believe falling in love it's something special and we do make efforts to keep it high and going, but there is something there, as I said special to make us do that!
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# Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-08-01 16:34
Yeah, it's not somethign that you can force, or make go away for that matter. Love kind of is!
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