Monday, 16 January 2017 06:48

Listening with Love?

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Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force.
The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.
Karl A. Menniger

Oh, the joy of being heard and understood! It’s particularly topical for me living with a father who has Alzhiemer’s. There are so many challenges with dementia and as brain function deteriorates, it becomes increasingly difficult for people with the disease to listen and understand even the simplest sentence.

Conversation becomes a frustrating battleground as the same discussions are repeated over and over, well for one of you, at least. Of course, the person with Alzheimer’s has no recollection of this topic being discussed before.

Two things happened recently that really brought home just how powerful listening can be. The first conversation was with a friend. We met for coffee and while catching up on each others lives, I shared some of the teeth-grinding difficulties Alzhiemer’s presents.

The friend responded by reminding me that getting cross with an Alzhiemer’s patient for forgetting, is like being cross with a blind person for not being able to see. A brilliant analogy, but one that left me feeling even worse about the numerous times I fail to be patient.

The second conversation happened spontaneously. Colt and I were at the vet, We were waiting for eye drops to dye Colt’s eye’s green so the vet could see if the eye infection was ulcerous. It wasn’t, but man a greened-eyed Colt is something to see!

While waiting, we discussed our Christmas holidays and I mentioned my father has Alzheimer’s. It turns out the vet’s mom has vascular dementia. I was talking to someone who gets it, he knows how hard it is. A few minutes of shared experience was like stumbling upon an oasis in the desert. He gave no advice and yet I came away feeling strengthened and inspired to keep going.

This is the power of listening. When we meet someone where they are, without advice and judgement, we give them the gift of understanding and of love. It is this that allows us to 'unfold and expand'. It’s a lesson I hope will change me for the better.

There are so many rules about how to be a good listener but one that stands out for me is connection. Finding a way to connect to what the other person is saying, in a way that touches us, has such a powerful impact. Oh, and get used to being uncomfortable, hearing what is being said without flinching, inwardly or outwardly, takes tremendous courage.

As we start 2017, be the person who holds the space of listening. It’s one of the greatest acts of kindness we can offer others.

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I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.

Read more about me here.

Comments  

# Debonita 2017-01-18 15:12
I can totally understand your situation living with a parent with Alzhiemer’s. The feeling of being heard and understood is absolutely amazing you are doing great listening to him and supporting him.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-31 07:24
Thanks Debonita, it is a tough illness to live with.
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# lex 2017-01-18 12:36
If only we take more time to listen than we speak, the world will be better off. Take effort to be a good listener
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-18 13:41
Well put Lex!
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# Carrie 2017-01-18 11:46
Listening is so powerful. Sometimes someone who is frustrated or aggravated just needs someone to listen so they can get it off their chest.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-18 11:49
Absolutely! It can be the best thing ever to just have someone almost witness your struggles, that alone changes it.
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# Anna Nuttall 2017-01-17 16:28
This is a beautiful post and I wish you all the best with your family. xx
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-18 11:48
Thanks Anna.
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# Divya 2017-01-17 04:02
One of the things I've been taught as an educator is to "connect before you correct." People are more likely to open up to you, more likely to trust you and respect you if you connect with them FIRST. I like this focus - it's important no matter how old we are, no matter what phase of life we're in :)
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:10
Brilliant way to teach, Divya and such a sound philosophy. I'm going to remember that phrase, it's great!
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# Ali Rost 2017-01-17 03:39
This is beautiful. I can't imagine how challenging it must be helping and loving a family member with Alzhiemer’s. Thank-you for sharing .. and for listening
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:12
Thanks Ali, it has been the most challenging expedience of my life but one that is definitely changing me for the better... I hope!
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# Emily 2017-01-17 03:18
beautiful post!! Thank you so much for sharing.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:12
Pleasure Emily, thanks for stopping by to comment.
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# Susan 2017-01-17 00:59
We got backstage passes to a concert and got to meet the bands before the show. One of the acts were these two young-ish guys. (For King and Country) And I'll never forget how, unlike most people, when they spoke with us, we had their full attention. They looked us in the eye, ignored all the commotion going on around us, and engaged in a thoughtful conversation. Giving someone your full attention is a lovely gift, and people notice!
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:14
Oh wow, what an amazing experience. Quite something for those guys to be able to do that before going on stage, which has got to be about as distracting as it gets. This is a beautiful story, thank you.
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# Shopgirl Anonymous 2017-01-16 22:32
This is something I've been working hard at. I used to be a great listener when I was full time sales. I wanted that connection with my customer, but now as a mother my focus has faded. When I hear someone talk I try not to become distracted and interrupt, I listen mindfully until they have finished speaking. It takes practice for sure!
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:16
It really comes down to where our attention is and it's hard to keep it in one place, especially after becoming a mom. You always need to have one half of your brain aware of your kids and it spills over into all aspects. Well done for making the effort to stay focused. I am sure the people you talk to appreciate it!
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# Freya Farrington 2017-01-16 17:26
It's really important to raise awareness of these issues especially when they affect so many others, and listening is definitely the key!
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:18
There is nothing worse than pouring out your troubles to someone who is distracted. It's such an awful feeling and smart phones are making it far too common.
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# Ana De- Jesus 2017-01-16 15:41
The power of listening is truly great indeed. I think dementia can be hard for anyone to understand so it is always important to raise awareness.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-17 08:20
Until I started living with dementia, I had no idea of how widespread it's impact was. The difference between thinking memory loss and understanding what cognitive decline means is world apart. Far too many people are facing this and awareness is so important.
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# Sumudu 2017-01-16 15:04
My father was sick for many years before he passed away. My mother was his only carer. She put up with a lot of his bad moods and did so with a smile. We used to get annoyed, but my mother kept telling us that sick people teaches us one important lesson in life - they teach us compassion and kindness.

mauvewriter.com
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-16 15:08
Wow, your mom is amazing to have learnt that lesson and been able to put it into practice for your dad. Thank you for your beautiful comment.
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# Kylie 2017-01-16 12:45
Very touching. It is true that we need to learn to listen more. I find that we constantly thinking of the next this to say instead of actually listen to the person.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-16 15:11
Listening is so hard! We all know that awful feeling when we are not listened to. But when we are listened to, it is often so subtle that it is only afterwards, when we are feeling better, that we know it happened.
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# Elizabeth Doren 2017-01-16 11:46
Best to you and your family. It's a daily struggle and oftentimes the only thing we can do is listen.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2017-01-16 15:12
Thanks Elizabeth, and yes, being there and listening is often the best thing we can do.
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