Thursday, 01 March 2018 07:15

A Ghostly Perspective!

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No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
C.S. Lewis

Without wanting to make light of something that has been right up there in terms of painful experiences of my life, I have to say, being ghosted by my bestie suits me! Abandonment is a universal fear and few, if any, of us get through life unscathed. This experience has been such a reminder of how deeply painful rejection is.

Much of the personal growth work we do in coaching explores the concept of who we are. Not from the perspective of ‘who I am’ in terms of habits of the past, but looking more at ‘who I am’ truly within myself.  An entire session is dedicated to identifying your core values. These are the inner qualities that are most important for you to cultivate in your life.

Knowing what is important to us is a crucial process. This knowledge becomes a guiding force in how we react and respond to the experiences and challenges we face. Oooo, I want more anger, despair and shame, said no one ever! This gives us a clue that happiness lies in a different direction.

For me, gentleness and kindness were Galadriel’s light in a place where it seemed all light had gone out. Gentleness, in the midst of things going horribly wrong, is awe-inspiring. The urge to shut down when we are hurt is strong. Staying true to your core values in hard times is like finding a doctor with a good bedside manner when you’re in pain. It heals your body, mind and spirit and strengthens you in unexpected ways

Another coaching tool that is helpful when dealing with rejection is to write a goodbye and thank you letter to the person who has hurt you. The idea is to focus on someone who has challenged you... and not necessarily in a good way. Relating to a difficulty from this perspective shifts the balance of power. It gives you the space to express yourself and that can help you release what you are holding on to.  

The choice to communicate or not is a basic human right. Whether you send the letter or don't is an individual choice, there is no right or wrong. Sometimes writing it is enough. This is particularly useful in situations where the unfinished business is with someone who has died. I chose to communicate, the friend ghosting me chose not to. Equal rights at it’s darndest!  

In one of the exercise DVD’s I workout to, the instructor asks a lady in the group how she is doing. ‘I’m feeling it,’ she replies. I’ve got to tell ya, I can so relate! However, as hard as it has been, there’s surprising strength coming from the peacefulness of a gentle heart and mind. When the rug is unceremoniously pulled out from underneath you, it’s very gratifying to discover a new centre of balance, one based on your personal core values. It turns out, happiness truly is an inside job.

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Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching

I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.

Read more about me here.