Tuesday, 01 September 2015 00:00
Trained or Trapped?
Caged birds accept each other but flight is what they long for.
Tennessee Williams
I try to be a good person. Unfortunately chronic impatience and a sharp tongue get the better of me more often than I would like. A few years ago I decided to tackle the problem and began training myself to be... well, nicer. I made an effort to choose my words with care and think through the consequences of speaking; dipping my tongue into my brain before I spoke, as my father would say! It was a concerted effort to improve myself and it worked. Outwardly, I became 'nicer'.
Have you ever worked really hard to change something only to discover at the end that you really rather wish you hadn't? That dear reader, is the difference between training yourself to behave differently and trapping yourself into behaving differently. I made the mistake of trapping myself into being a better person.
It's a fear-based dynamic in which, in order to avoid conflict and rejection, I start taking responsibility for the behaviour of others. They behave badly, I fix it and protect them from the consequences of their own action. I keep quiet, pretend I don't mind and excuse bad behaviour. Basically, you tie yourself in knots trying to understand why they do it and start to compromise your integrity to keep the peace and maintain the relationship.
Training yourself to respond with authenticity and maturity is a much messier process. It takes tremendous courage to allow people to be who they are, particularly when you don't like what they are doing. By learning to accept conflict, we welcome the richness of difference into our lives. You disagree, argue even, but you don't insist everyone is like you.
When necessary, you say no clearly and firmly, understanding that it may be hard for the other person to hear but you still speak up. You stand your ground and hold your seat in the face of strong emotions, yours or others and create the space for you to be who you are and others to be who they are.
It's here, at the edge of chaos, that we evolve and begin to understand what it truly means to honour individuality. Feeling that we know best how someone else should be, robs them of their right to take responsibility for their life, their choices and their way of being. The alternative is a profound respect that allows everyone the dignity to live as they wish, whether you agree with it or not.
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I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.
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Holly | www.styledbyholly.com
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