Tuesday, 01 September 2015 00:00

Trained or Trapped?

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Caged birds accept each other but flight is what they long for.
Tennessee Williams

I try to be a good person. Unfortunately chronic impatience and a sharp tongue get the better of me more often than I would like. A few years ago I decided to tackle the problem and began training myself to be... well, nicer. I made an effort to choose my words with care and think through the consequences of speaking; dipping my tongue into my brain before I spoke, as my father would say! It was a concerted effort to improve myself and it worked. Outwardly, I became 'nicer'.

Have you ever worked really hard to change something only to discover at the end that you really rather wish you hadn't? That dear reader, is the difference between training yourself to behave differently and trapping yourself into behaving differently. I made the mistake of trapping myself into being a better person.

It's a fear-based dynamic in which, in order to avoid conflict and rejection, I start taking responsibility for the behaviour of others. They behave badly, I fix it and protect them from the consequences of their own action. I keep quiet, pretend I don't mind and excuse bad behaviour. Basically, you tie yourself in knots trying to understand why they do it and start to compromise your integrity to keep the peace and maintain the relationship.

Training yourself to respond with authenticity and maturity is a much messier process. It takes tremendous courage to allow people to be who they are, particularly when you don't like what they are doing. By learning to accept conflict, we welcome the richness of difference into our lives. You disagree, argue even, but you don't insist everyone is like you.

When necessary, you say no clearly and firmly, understanding that it may be hard for the other person to hear but you still speak up. You stand your ground and hold your seat in the face of strong emotions, yours or others and create the space for you to be who you are and others to be who they are.

It's here, at the edge of chaos, that we evolve and begin to understand what it truly means to honour individuality. Feeling that we know best how someone else should be, robs them of their right to take responsibility for their life, their choices and their way of being. The alternative is a profound respect that allows everyone the dignity to live as they wish, whether you agree with it or not.

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I'm a Personal Development Life Coach who specialises in L.I.F.E (Living Into your Fullest Expression). Based in Richards Bay, on the East Coast of South Africa, I live with my long-suffering husband, (his description!), two much-loved dogs and care for my elderly father who has Alzheimer's.

Read more about me here.

Comments  

# Fatima 2016-10-24 21:25
Previously it used to be really difficult for me to say no to anyone but now I've learnt which is of course something good.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-26 06:00
Very good, both for you and others. Hard lesson to learn though, for some of us at least.
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# holly 2016-10-24 04:56
This was such a great read! Just gotta be yourself! Theres only one of you!

Holly | www.styledbyholly.com
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-24 05:48
Thanks Holly, Love your attitude!
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# Becca 2016-10-23 12:33
I think sometimes you have to let go and just embrace who you are, not everyone is going to be happy with who you are but that's okay.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-23 13:01
That attitude is also the key to allowing others the same freedom to be who they are, whether we agree or not. An I'm okay, You're okay kind of philosophy.
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# Gemma 2016-10-23 00:18
I can relate to this. I have tried to change to fit in and it is all consuming. We need a little conflict in our life just to release our feelings, it's all good in moderation X
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-23 12:59
Ooo yes, good point, Gemma!
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# Brian 2016-10-22 23:49
I tend to overanalyze myself. Sometimes I have flashbacks and just cringe at something I did 20 years ago.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-23 12:59
Lol, to this day I blush at the memory of certain things I did and said as a young woman. Oh to have known then what I know now!
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# Tiina A 2016-10-22 22:35
That is so true! Everyone should respect each other's way of living. The older you get the more you understand how short life really is and how important it is to live it in your own way.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-23 12:57
I think we all deserve that respect, of course, with the caveat that your choices do not harm others. Sadly this is often not the case.
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# Joanna 2016-10-22 20:05
I find it very hard to say no just because I might hurt the feelings of others. I also tend to avoid having conversations that touch a sensitive subject and instead of facing the issue, I just ignore it and hope it will go away. I know it's not right but I can't seem to get myself into stepping up and dealing with these :)
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-23 12:56
Lol, I so know that dynamic you described! And when you do gather up the courage to speak up , people tut tut you for being so confrontational . It a minefield!
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# Elizabeth O. 2016-10-21 15:24
It's not good to keep avoiding conflict, it's like you're pouring fuel all over the place until someone drops a lit match and everything just goes up to flames. I would rather face conflict than that. After all, there are much more mature ways to deal with disagreements.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-23 12:54
It is definitely a more mature way of dealing with the difference we all have, and one that I think gets easier as we age. Or at least it has for me.
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# Nadia 2016-10-21 13:31
I think in most cases it all comes down to self-discipline and, most importantly, patience. Seeing other person' side, no matter how wrong it might be, and then responding with dignity and patience but still standing your grounds (when it comes to those pillar principles) is not easy but it's doable.
www.mielandmint.com
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-21 15:01
Oh yes, those two are biggies, Nadia, and if you can get the hang of them, well, say no more!
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# Carrie 2016-10-21 09:01
To be honest I have never had an issue accepting conflict until in recent years. It isn't that I trapped or trained myself not to involve myself in it. It came naturally when I decided it wasnt worth it all the time. Now I pick my battles more carefully.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-21 15:02
Wonderful Carrie. Maturity is an amazing thing and it brings space to decide which makes such a difference.
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# Liz Mays 2016-10-21 00:03
These are good points. We all have to learn to let people be who they are. There is not use trying to control everything.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-21 15:02
Hear hear, Liz! ... now if I could just remember it!
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# Ana De- Jesus 2016-10-20 22:55
Its true it can be hard to embrace conflict especially as a Libra but sometimes it needs to be done!
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-10-21 15:00
Us Libras are harmony seekers for sure... until you cross me, then the scale swings.
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-06-22 08:49
Hi Regina, thanks for stopping by! Good for you for learning to speak your truth.Knowing when to speak up, when to keep quiet and when to compromise is a life long challenge for me. It is something I would dearly love to get the hang of.
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# Regina 2016-06-22 06:56
I think I am the opposite of you. My natural inclination is to be nice, polite, and inoffensive. But I trained myself to not change who I was but to be okay with displeasing people when it wasn't in line with what I wanted. Luckily I didn't get the trapped feeling as it's actually liberating to speak your mind!
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# - Soul Sense Coaching 2016-06-20 17:09
That's the funny old truth! No matter what you do or who you are, some people are gonna love ya and some not. It's a fabulous moment when that 'truth' becomes okay.
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# heidi 2016-06-20 16:34
Well knowing my story somewhat you know I pretty much did that my whole life until my thirties when I decided to be me. People will like or not like you, but they will anyway.
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