We've all heard the safety instructions on an aeroplane where we are advised, in an emergency, to fit our own oxygen mask first before assisting other passengers. As a client and I were discussing the other day, it's a pretty useful tip for life.

We were talking about the many faces of self-sacrifice. People often approach solving problems with the unconscious belief that causing pain to themselves or others is somehow the way to fix what's broken. Seriously? Like yelling at someone or ridiculing them is going to make them like me and do what I want? Hmm, I don't think so.

We try to shame ourselves and others into good behaviour even though most of us know that approach doesn't bring out the best in anyone. We exhaust ourselves trying to help, we take on more than we can cope with because we don't want to let anyone down and worst of all, we feel bad about what we can't do. You getting the idea? Dear ones, we are going about this all wrong!  

So what is the deeper wisdom of putting our own oxygen mask on first? Unless we have learnt to swim, we can't jump into the water to save someone who is drowning. Unless we have navigated our own emotional turmoil, we are not equipped to guide others and yet we do it. We give advice, we criticise and we judge.

We decide how something or ourselves should be and we do our best to live up to that ideal. Basically, we put a fabrication, a fantasy we've made-up in our heads, before the reality in front of us. We want to be a good person, we want to help and we do care, but we forget to include ourselves in that picture. We too need air to breathe, we need rest and wholesome food, kindness and care.

Causing pain to ourselves or others is not the way to make the world a better place. Sometimes, pain is unavoidable but the way in which we go about our lives is so very important. We have a responsibility towards our own well-being but that responsibility does not have to be at the expense of ourselves or others.

If it is, take a good, hard look at what you are trying to achieve. There is a whole other way of being that is not 'me against you', but 'us together'. Expand yourself outwards to include more. It's the healthier, more sustainable option!