Last Sunday, just as we sat down to eat lunch, we heard that dreaded screech of tyres, followed by a series of loud bangs and crunch of metal. It’s a sound you instantly recognize as a car accident. The driver swerved to dodge a dog, lost control and the car rolled before hitting into a lamp post. In nothing short of a small miracle, the driver and the dog were both unhurt. The car, however, was written off.

It was such a reminder of how, just like that, in an instant, our lives can change completely. South Africa has an extremely high death toll on the roads during the festive season and with Christmas around the corner, it made me think of the many people who will be facing Christmas alone, and the families who will have their first Christmas without someone they love.

A few days later I was chatting with a client who found herself in a situation where the anniversary of her sibling’s death coincided with a joyful family celebration with her in-laws. It left her feeling confused and conflicted and our conversation highlighted a fundamental error most of us make.

We make the mistake of thinking we can EITHER feel happy OR sad. It’s the either / or dynamic raising it’s familiar face. The truth is we can feel a huge variety of emotions all at the same time. According to debate, it may not be scientifically at the exact same moment, but for all intents  and purposes, it certainly feels as if we are experiencing a kaleidoscope of emotions simultaneously.

So what do we do if we find ourself in this type of situation? My suggestion? Simply show up. Be there, feeling what you are feeling, no matter what it is you are feeling. There will be sad moments. You may need to lock yourself in the bathroom and howl every now and then,  but that is not all there will be. There will also be moments of happiness, a shared smile, a connection, a memory that touches your heart, even the creation of a new memory that gives you strength and hope.

We all have the capacity to be happy for other people and we can cultivate that spirit of rejoicing in the happiness of others, without having to deny our  own experience. It is not either / or. We can soften and expand ourselves to encompass both sadness and happiness, without pressurizing ourselves to choose one or the other. Don’t underestimate your power to love. We truly are so much stronger than we think and so much greater than we realize.